HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!!!

Yepp, I'm having a REALLY good day today!! It's AWESOME! I hope that everyone else is having a GREAT one too!!

I figured that I'd put up my most recent events so that in future posts you don't get confused ...

ONE: Next weekend I am going to a retreat with Jeremy and his church's youth group to his old pastor's lake house ... AAHHH it's gonna be SO MUCH FREAKING FUN!!!!

TWO: I updated my profile that shows up on the side of my blog ... LOL

THREE: I am currently trying to figure out what my new favorite song is

FOUR: Lindsay is reeally mad at me because ...

FIVE: I HAVE MY FIRST BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(See past post ". . . Cause What You Did Was LOW . . ." for details on why Lindsay is mad at me)

I'm not exactly sure what happened ... all I know is that I fell really super duper uber hard for him ... and everything felt right. So I said yes!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!

LOL I feel so grown up!!!

Now, all I have to do now is find a way to tell Sam ........

.....

uh oh.


PEACE OUT, Y'ALL!
-- Megan
H*U*G*Z*

Ay Yo, Ali!!!

Just wanted to give a shout-out to my friend Ali!!! I pray that you have safe traveling on your road trip and that you have LOADS of fun!!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna miss you!!!!!!!

LOVE YA!

~ Meg
H*U*G*Z

Megan's Songbook =D -- "Our Song"

Our Song

He sees her/ She sees him/ There’s a wall there/ They see them/ They see to that/ That wall will always be there/ She dreads the day/ He walks away/ And gets over her/ He fears the time/ To get it right/ He doesn’t get another try//

She’s alone/ He’s at home/ Refusing to call/ She’s broken/ He’s hoping/ That she’ll call/ It’s not happening/ They’re not still seeing each other/ They’re dramatically separated/ By the other ones//

He sees him/ He sees her/ Making sure that they don’t/ Look to long/ Be too strong/ They’ll never be together/ Thanks to them/ You and me my friend/ We’ll never be just us/ They have them to thank//

She’s alone/ He’s at home/ Refusing to call/ She’s broken/ He’s hoping/ That she’ll call/ It’s not happening/ They’re not still seeing each other/ They’re dramatically separated/ By the other ones//

It’s not fair/ Why should we have to suffer for their judgement?/ It’s not right/ Why should we have to fight their fight?//

She’s alone/ He’s at home/ Refusing to call/ She’s broken/ He’s hoping/ That she’ll call/ It’s not happening/ They’re not still seeing each other/ They’re dramatically separated/ By the other ones//

Not fair/ Not right/ Let’s put up a fight . . .//

Gonna Be One Of THOSE Days ...

:p

Plain and simple.

~ Megan
<333

FaThEr'S dAy AwKwArDnEsS =p -- AND -- A Confession That Stings Afterwards

Father's Day Awkwardness:

Yep, it's true ... I cracked on Father's Day. I had to leave the sanctuary so that I didn't begin to sob in the middle of the whole congregation. My mom and I sat outside at the pavillion and talked about it, and I was able to go back inside without losing it all over again.

It felt so wierd. My dad showed up for church for the first time in almost a year, and it was like he wasn't even paying attention. He was too busy trying to figure out what my mom was doing out of the sanctuary during the sermon.

Grr.

I pray that he will be more open-hearted to God ... that man needs some Jesus in him!!!!!! =)

Afterward was worse. While I stood in the Narthex and talked to Sam, he was at the steps watching me. It felt so creepy ... I HATE the feeling that I'm being watched. After that, we went out to lunch.

Most. Awkward. Day. EVER.

We talked about stuff. I tried to joke around like I always do. I tried to make things comfortable. That's the kind of person that I am ... I think that I can fix everything. and I meddle wayyy too much in things that don't concern me. We had a full-blown convorsation about me and Jeremy, and THAT was wierd. Jeremy had actually called me last Wednesday night after class to tell me that my dad came into CFA and stood in his line. He asked me if that bothered me at all.

YES!

My dad is not allowed to talk to my possibly future boyfriend! He's ... he's ...

HE'S FIRED!

Whew. Glad I got that out. Whoooooooo ...

**~__~__~__~__**

A Confession That Stings Afterwards:

I think that the truth is that during lunch, I just wanted us to be a family again. I wanted us to talk again. I wanted us to laugh again. I longed for us to be able to sit down and have a meal together without having to worry about yelling or cussing or hitting ...

I had kept that in for so long. I was so afraid to tell my mom that she would act on it, and I didn't want that to happen ...



I was hungry for once in my life, and decided to act on it before I changed my mind. I headed for the pantry; down the hallway, through the living room (my dad was watching golf on TV ... eeew, Snore-Fest) through the kitchen, into the dining room, and open the pantry door. As I reached into a Pop Tart box (empty ... darn that Hannah!) I heard my dad get up off the couch and walk into the kitchen. I shrugged off the sound and turned to go back to my room.
My dad was waiting for me to do just that. He walked up to me, and I felt fear creeping along every inch of my body ... he looked so angry ... so ... evil. ...
"What're you looking for?"
The voice chilled me somewhat. I felt like there was a psychotic killer standing in front of me, not my own father.
"Somethin' to eat . . ." I answered, wishing he would go away. I heard him mumble
something about my mom not having to worry about that since her boyfriend was buying her lunch.
"'Scuse me?" I asked innocently, acting as though I thought that he had been talking to me instead of himself. I knew that was a bad move, but I didn't care. I felt brave.
"Nothing," He snapped. He seemed like a volcano, awaiting eruption. I pictured smoke arising from his ears, and had to surpress a laugh. I felt braver, but still knew better than to say anything.
I thought about my situation. He would not leave the room, and I was about to say
something to him that might just make molten lava pour from every word he yelled in my face, as he always did. What would I do if he blew up? Renee was up in her room laying down and resting . . . she had just gotten her alergy shot, and wasn't feeling well. Hannah was in the laundry room with the door closed, playing Spyro and blaring Skillet. I was alone.
No I wasn't. My Father was here, right beside me.
My dad muttered something else, then turned to face me again. "Where is your mother anyways?"
I gulped. I shouldn't have. It was way too loud. I shouldn't be scared; after all, he was just a volcano that I could run away from if necessary. Then I remembered what my mom told me to say.
"If you want to know, then ask her yourself." I said firmly, as if I was talking to a stubborn horse and not a volcano.
He took a step closer. I backed against the pantry door. (OF ALL THE FLIPPIN TIMES FOR ME TO REMEMBER TO CLOSE THE FREAKING DOOR . . .) I felt trapped. This was not
good. I was going to suffocate. I thought about calling for Renee, but that was ridiculous. I had nothing to fear. Mommy had promised me that I had nothing to fear. That meant that I was safe.
He repeated the question. Suddenly I felt instead of a trapped animal, like a lion, and I was braver then I had ever been before. Part of me wanted to spit in his face . . . the other part of me knew that he would kill me if I did this. So instead I drew myself up to my full height, took a deep breath, and very firmly and unshakingly spoke.
"I'm not going to tell you anything."
The next thing happened so quickly I had no chance to do anything. To my dying day, I wish
I would have called for Renee.
WHACK.
The strong, firm hand connected with the side of my face with a force that made my head snap sideways with a tiny crack. My face went hot. The whole right side of it stung. I
felt my mouth go open in surprise and shock, mixed with fear and agony of the heart. I couldn't believe it.
Oh God. He was going to beat me. I always knew it. I had thought that it would be Renee,
but it was going to be me. I wished that I would disappear into nothingness; that the ground would swallow me whole; that God Himself would send something down and take me up into Heaven, like he did with Elijah.
My eyes filled with hot tears. They prickled around every edge and curve of my eyes, until I could see nothing but blurrs. I waited for the next blow . . . would he punch me next? Kick me to the ground? Smack me again? Would he even kill me? Pictures of the people I loved flashed on my blind eyes . . . My mom, Renee, Hannah, my grandparents, Sam, Rachel, Lindsay, Rachel, Alysia . . . (I didn't know Jeremy yet, or he would be on this list too.)
It never came. He walked out of the room, back into the living room, and flopped down on
the couch and resumed watching golf as if nothing had happened at all.
I stood, paralyzed with fear, for what seemed like eternity. My face went numb, and I
reached up a shaky hand that didn't feel as thought it belonged on my hand and felt it. It was hot, and when I pressed down on it hard enough, it stung twice as much. I wondered if there was a mark. Half of me wanted there to be a bruise. The other half of me wanted there to be no evidence that it had ever taken place. But it had . . .
The impact of that made it seem as if he had smacked me all over again. My knees shook, and I gave in to what they wanted me to do. I sank down to the ground, my fingertips still on my face, and curled up on my side with my head cradled in my arms. I wanted to block everything out . . . everything from the birds singing merrily outside, to the sound of Skillet drifting from the laundry room, to the sound of people on the TV clapping for Tiger Woods' perfect put.
I hated this feeling. I wished that I would die. I considered death . . . maybe it wasn't so
bad . . . Sam's email flashed before me, and I decided against it. He had given me a reason to stick around last December . . . why would I betray that and go against it?
And then came the rain. I sobbed until there was literally a puddle gently soaking my stinging face where the tears had been shed onto the tile. Didn't he care? Didn't he regret what he did? No, he was too busy watching TV. I wanted to go in and smash it into a million peices. I
hated this feeling of so many mixed emotions . . . pain, grief, rage, then pain again . . . I wished that it would just make my mind explode and be done with it.
After what I decided afterwards had to be about ten minutes, I got up, ran out of the dining room, into my room, and slammed the door behind me. Then I collapsed onto my bed and sobbed more bitter tears . . .
Two hours later Hannah came in from the laundry room and found me, still sobbing, on my bed. She asked me countless times what was wrong. But and hour and a half ago, I had decided firmly that I would never tell anyone of this. It was nobody's business, and I didn't want to make things worse for us. I didn't want attention; that was too much. I hated having the spotlight on me anyways.
Not a single soul in the world would ever know that I, Megan Brittany, had just been physically abused by my father. And a slow, steady rage began to build in me . . . a rage that, weeks later, I would pray for God to take out of me, so that my consience could finally be clear. I hated him more than anything in the world. Nothing would change that.
Hannah finally left. I sat up and tried to pull myself together. For the first time since that morning, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Only my eyes and cheeks were red from crying. There was no trace nor was there any evidence that my dad had hit me. Half of me hated him for it even more. The other half was thanking God that there was nothing to be asked more questions about.
I sat down on my floor and tried not to cry. I tried not to think about it. I tried to clear my mind completely. It didn't work. I refused to close my eyes; that made me relive the moment.
I wished that someone was here to wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I thought of Renee . . . she would get into it with him and end up
getting hurt too . . . no, no one could know. EVER.
God, I prayed. Please let this go away.
And for one moment, I swear I felt Him wrap His arms around me and hold onto me. That was what it meant to be held. . . .

I will try to post more later tonight ...

PEACE OUT Y'ALL!
~ Meggyyy
O HUGZ O

I Am Megan, Hear Me ... Get Left Out

I was talking with one of my friends from church, Rachel, and this weekend there was a marriage confrence at the church, and the youth group was helping by setting up a sort of day camp for the children of the attendants. And, since it was my mom's closing weekend at CFA and she and my dad DEFINITELY weren't going, I had to stay home and wish that I was there. And Rachel told me that she had a BLAST, and that everyone else did too, and that it was the best two days EVER.

Yeah. Thanks.

I don't mean to be rude. I'm glad that it was the best two days ever for them. But why is it that when I don't show up to it and everyone has the BEST TIME EVER, it gets thrown in my face time and time again? I don't want to feel any more left out then I already do. I mean, all of my friends were there, and I missed out on yet ANOTHER thing that was awesome.

I always thought that when I start driving, I was going to be able to go to these things and help myself. But since we're leaving, it doesn't matter anymore.

Sometimes I wish that I had a say in these kinds of things, ya know?

~ Megan
<333

Meaningless Post Just For The Sake Of Finally Posting Again Where Megan Shares Her Thoughts ;)

OMG I haven't posted in FOREVER ... I must fix that!

So for the past couple of nights, I've been up till about 2:30 in the morning talking to Jeremy on the phone. And last night, he told me that he was going to get me something. I'm not sure what it is yet, but I'm praying that he isn't going to do anything that is going to put me in an awkward position ... he has this way of doing that.

I just thought of something this morning. What if the day that my mom tells me that I can start dating, something finally clicks and Sam asks me out? Then I'd have to pick between Sam and Jeremy ... something that I've been dreading ever since Jeremy and I started getting closer. He says (as he has told me before) that he wants me to be the last girl he dates.

So he actually wants to MARRY me?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!

This thought scares me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And then there's Sam, who, no matter what, I will always have a special place in my heart for. I want to go out with him, but there's the whole issue with his parents and mine. I am too young to have so many boy problems!!! Well, that's what I think at least. It seems like everyone else my age has already dated, thus I feel alone. But I know I'm not ... I just don't know what to do.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm really nervous about tomorrow. It's Father's Day. Woo-hoo. I've never really understood Father's Day, Mother's Day, or Valentine's Day. I mean, does that mean that you have one day in the whole year where you HAVE to tell someone that you love them, or give your parents a nice gift? Gifts are for birthdays, silly people! :D
Okay, I think I'm done.


Haha I should post meaninglessly more often!

PEACE OUT Y'ALL!
~ Megan
<33

In Book Form . . . Last Sunday Night!!!!!

Alright, with this post, I decided to do something special . . . you get to read my Sunday Night experience through my eyes . . . reading directly how I felt and everything! Doesn't that make you all excited?! Haha just kidding . . .

Anyways, I guess that I should add that my mom is planning on leaving the church . . . well, she WAS, but she's not sure now . . . but that's for my next post. In that one, I'll explain everything. Post questions that can be answered, cause I probably won't remember everything LOL!

HERE WE GO!




I couldn’t believe that class was already over. I kept glancing at Sam, and a couple of times, our eyes would meet, and I would flush a little and look away. It seemed like years ago he had handed me a piece of the top button on his shirt and told me to eat it. (Haha that was FUNNY! Btw, that happened that very same morning.)
I began to walk a bit, chomping on the bit to talk to Sam alone. I wanted to get this done and over with as soon as possible. As I expected, Jeremy immediately made his way over to my side. I felt as though I was going to be sick for a moment, though I was not sure why.
I made my way out of the classroom, Sam in front of me and the rest of the class at my heels. I wondered how long they would all follow me around like this for. This is going to be harder then I thought.
Everyone began chatting. I prayed that Sam had gotten my email before I spoke up.
"Sam?"
He looked right at me, and I stared back into those gorgeous hazel eyes of his . . . I tried to speak, but no words came out.
Sam got the hint. He pointed towards the steps and tried to say something as well, but I didn’t hear it. "Yeah," I nodded and we set off. I could hear half the class following us and prayed that Ashlee and Jeremy weren’t two of them.
When we got to the door, Sam opened it and we stepped outside. Before either of us could close it, Alysia walked out behind us. I felt my face get hot despite the stormy wind outside.
Thank God, Sam shooed her away so that we could talk alone. "And whatever you do," He warned her. "Don’t tell Ashlee where we are, cause she’ll come out, and we’ll never get to talk."
"Okay," Alysia promised, walking off towards the pavilion and then out of sight.
Sam indicated the steps. "Have a seat," He said, smiling at me. I nearly fainted there. There was just something about that smile that rendered me helpless.
I was about to sit when, lo and behold, the door swung open, missing me by inches, and Ashlee came striding out, greeting us with her usual dumb-sounding "hello".
Sam and I began to laugh. And, although she had no idea why she was, Ashlee began to laugh too.
"Um, Ashlee, could you leave us alone for a couple minutes?" I asked, pleading in my heart to God that she would just leave. "I really need to talk to Sam. Just us. Alone."
"I need to talk to you too," Ashlee began. I wasn’t in the mood for her My-Life-Is-10-Times-Worse-Then-Yours-Will-Ever-Be games.
"Okay, well, can I talk to you afterward?" I asked, getting impatient with her.
"Okay." Ashlee shrugged and began to walk away. "I’ll meet you over behind the sheds, okay?"
"Alright, alright, okay, cool." I nearly pushed her there myself.
As she walked away, I watched her, and then looked at Sam. "And there you have it."
I sat back down on the step, and, after Sam warned me about the door swinging open, I got back up.
Sam stood, looking at me expectantly. I cleared my throat.
"You know how I said we were going away for a while?" I started, trying not to cry, punch the door, and hug Sam and never ever let go all at the same time.
Sam nodded. I had to tell him; this was going no where so far.
"Well . . ." I felt the tears coming on. I bit them back, suddenly angry with myself. "We’re leaving."
Sam frowned, and I saw worry in his expression. "Leaving where?"
"The church."
He frowned deeper. "Oh . . . that sucks."
Same thing he said when I told him that my parents where splitting. That was all I needed to hear. I knew he cared all along . . . I just needed to hear him say it.
"That REALLY sucks . . ." Sam said.
"I know . . ." That was when it hit me. All those times we had been together, we had taken advantage of. We thought we had forever . . . and now we were standing there, wishing that we could have those days back again . . . to make them last longer . . . to make even more memories . . . to be together again for as long as we possibly could.
"Have you found another church yet?" Sam asked me. I looked at him for the first time since I told him. (I had been staring at my feet.) And I was almost blown away, because that was the first time in my life I had seen Sam get even close to emotional.
"No, not yet . . ." I kept trailing off, as if there was something else I should say, but I never said it.
Was there?
"When are you leaving?"
"I don’t know . . . it could be this week, it could be next month . . . I have no idea." I paused. Then I spoke my mind. "You have no idea how much I wanna hug you right now, but . . . no."
Sam took a sip from a soda that I had no idea he had been holding and shook his head the smallest bit. I felt bad for him. He had no idea that this whole thing involved his family more then he knew . . . and he was utterly clueless to that fact.
At this moment, the door burst open a THIRD time, and Hannah came flying out. "THERE you are!" She said, pointing at me.
"Wha –?" I was confused.
Hannah looked from me to Sam and back to me, and then motioned that she wanted to whisper something to me.
"Mommy just got all sad in the hallway, and she really has got to leave here ASAP!" She hissed into my ear.
"Okay Han . . ." I looked from her to Sam, who had his fingers in his ears to prevent himself from hearing what Hannah was saying. Han and I laughed. "Tell her I will be there in two seconds."
This was too much. There was not enough time in the world for Sam and I, was there? And I might not see him again for a very long time . . .
"Well, you have to come for VBS, right?" Sam asked, removing his fingers from his ears.
"I think so . . ." I hadn’t thought of that. Hope flared up in me. VBS was this July, right? That was only a month away . . .
"Cause you have to, it’s the law." He said, sounding like Sam again.
Hannah was still present, and she added, "We have to be here Wednesday, cause I have a Whiffle Ball game, and my team needs me!"
"Yeah, you HAVE to come!" Sam said, urging her on. "And you HAVE to come to 5th Quarter, and . . . and . . . you can be my guest!" Sam gave me two thumbs up and smiled again. My heart became one with the rain that now pelted down around us.
SPLASH.
"Hey, you can come live with us!" Sam said as Hannah in took a deep gulp from my water bottle.
As soon as he said it, she spat all the water out onto the sidewalk, making her own Spit Take, and began to literally LOL. I prayed that she would stop before she made things awkward between Sam and I.
"Ya know what really stinks?" Sam asked. Hannah shrugged. "When you do that, and it goes all down your clothes and everything, eeww . . ."
Hannah and I got a good laugh from that. Then Hannah headed back to the door and disappeared back into the church.
I wasn’t sure what to say next. "So . . . yeah . . . that’s pretty much it." I glanced over Sam’s shoulder to see Rachel and Ashlee coming up the hill towards us, and I let out a groan. Sam turned and saw them too, and we began to walk away.
I was about to burst. The tears were just waiting for a reason to come up and out like rain unleashed from the Heavens above. I couldn’t help it; I’m a crier.
We got to the steps, and I was glancing at him when Sam did what I thought he would never do. He held out his arm and said quite clearly, "Have a nice hug."
So I did. I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and he did the same. For a split second we stood there, shoulder to shoulder, with our heads nearly touching. I felt his warmth up against me, and I nearly passed out. I closed my eyes and relished the moment. It lasted five seconds, but that was all I needed. Sam had hugged me. It was almost as wonderful as if he would have kissed me, right then and there. But I was more then satisfied . . . and not for my crush’s sake . . . for our friendship’s sake . . . our undying, unwavering friendship that we had just sealed.
I let go first, and we pulled apart. I could hear Ashlee and Rachel behind us, but what they were saying I wasn’t sure of. All that I could feel was Sam’s arm around me and all I could hear was his breathing ringing in my ears. That may not happen again for years . . .
That did it. I covered my mouth to avoid the sob that caught in my throat. But it came out anyway. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want Sam to think that hugging me was a bad idea. I wanted him to know that it was the best five seconds of my life, and that I would never forget it, for as long as I lived.
But nevertheless, I began to cry, and so, to avoid embarrassment, I fled the scene. I could hear someone pursuing behind me, and heard Sam’s voice say, "Ashlee, don’t . . . Ashlee, please don’t . . ." Sam’s voice raised a bit. "ASHLEE, LEAVE HER ALONE."
I walked until I got to the sidewalk, trying to stop the tears that now flowed down my face and off my nose. People at their vehicles glanced at me. I didn’t care. I broke into a run, and Hannah suddenly came up beside me, saying stuff like, "Meggy, are you okay? What happened Meggy? We need to go . . . Mommy’s really upset . . . She and Jeremy are looking for you . . . Meggy, what’s wrong?"
"I’ll explain everything later," I said, running over the squashy brown mulch at the side of church. As I rounded the corner and headed for the van, I saw someone coming around the other corner. Thinking it was Ashlee, who was still trying in vain to pull me aside to talk to me, I ducked behind the van and opened the door to throw my stuff onto the backseat.
"Man, I walked and I still beat you here," I was surprised to hear Sam’s voice instead of Ashlee’s, and Hannah laughed. I tried to, but all that came out was a squeak that much resembled a mouse.
I tossed my stuff and then headed for the door that would take me inside, with Sam following close behind. He knew as well as I did that these moments when we were close were numbered.
When we arrived inside, I found that my mom was indeed getting ready to cry. It took a while to get everyone together. I tried to joke around with some people, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Sam kept staring at me, and every time I saw him do this, I stared right back. I wanted an excuse to be able to stare into those eyes for the rest of my life.
Finally we were ready. I gave Lindsay a huge hug, who was looking as if she might sob enough tears to fill the Pacific Ocean. "You’ll email me every day and call me, right?"
"You bet I will." I answered, choking up again.
I hugged Alysia next, who was leaning up against the Youth Room wall. She didn’t seem like she understood why I was hugging her so hard, but I didn’t care. Everyone would know in time. I stared a bit with Sam again, and then I began to glance at everyone in the room. Lindsay kept shifting from looking at the floor to looking at me, Alysia was staring at the opposite wall, Sam kept staring directly at me, as was Jeremy, who I had not noticed until then. A pang of guilt rose in me.
When we got outside, I tried to make my way to the van, but Ashlee had me by the arm and was trying to pull me in the other direction. I didn’t want to hear about her dreams . . . I didn’t want to hear "are you okay?" . . . I didn’t want a hug from her . . . I didn’t want to hear how much she knew about my father being right up the street . . .
Another pang. I wondered if he had seen me at all that night . . . I wondered if he had seen my kickball home run . . . if he had seen me run away crying . . . if he had seen me and Sam hug . . .
I climbed into the van. I half expected Sam to climb in after me. But after we were all in, I stared out the window towards the pavilion. Sam was staring at my window. I wondered if he could see me or not.
Everyone was at the pavilion. Well, everyone except me. I felt so
lost . . . like I was all alone all of a sudden. I watched Sam stare at the van. Then I saw Tony’s head move (he had said Sam’s name), and Sam blinked, and looked away. I couldn’t stand it.
When my mom pulled out, he started waving. I waved back, waiting for him to run after the van. But he didn’t. And then, while we were still driving towards the road, he waved like mad after the van. I tossed myself halfway out the back and waved so wildly that there was no way that he could’ve missed me. I watched until the pavilion was out of sight, keeping my eyes on Sam the entire time, remembering what it was like to feel him so close to me.
I sat back in my seat and, summoning every ounce of courage I had left, tried to keep the tears at bay. It didn’t work. I could feel the stares coming on, but both people I expected tried to avoid looking at me. I put my head in my hands and began to cry bitter tears . . . tears of grief for my classes that I would miss . . . tears of anger towards my dad for starting all of this . . . tears of sorrow for the people who did not yet know . . . tears of despair for our returning to church someday . . . tears of regret for times gone by . . . tears for everyone who did know . . . Lindsay . . . Meredith . . . Sam . . .
I scolded myself for crying like a baby in front of everyone. I should be pulling it together, not falling apart. I lifted my eyes and searched for something to say . . .
"It’s raining," I said, indicating the windows. Jeremy seemed to snap out of a trance and looked out the window.
"Yep." He hesitated. "And there are fields too. One over there, and over there, oh, and that one right there . . ."
Later that drive, the tension was disappearing. And maybe I was wrong to bring it back, but I felt as if I had to do what I did, ya know?
It was when Jeremy was talking about something, and then suddenly he said, "one year."
I frowned. "Oookaaay . . ." No lie, that’s how I said it and everything.
"One year until I get my licence, and then you, me, and Sam are gonna go out and do stuff and hang out together."
It was sweet, but for me, it was a bittersweet thought. It felt as though no matter what, Sam and I were going to be separated, all beacuse Sam thinks that I'm "taken". You know how when you think something like that, you know that’s how you really feel, but you still feel bad about thinking that way? That’s how I felt right there. I knew that, as usual, Jeremy was expecting me to "aww", or to tell him that I loved him, or to do something. So I reacted with my instincts and reached over and hugged him briefly.
He reacted and hugged me back. It was nice.
But something felt wrong. As if I hadn’t done that out of love or the "goodness of my heart" . . . like I did it because that’s what he had expected me to do. I realized that he expected me to like him the way that he likes me. But that wasn’t the case at all. And it wasn’t because Sam had simply hugged me either, as most people think . . . it was because the truth was that I had loved Sam all along, and that nothing and no one was going to change that. And as I pulled away and he flushed, I realized something. That I loved Sam, and he wasn’t going to ruin that just because he has a crush on me. And I realized that that one hug from Sam meant more to me then ten thousand hugs from Jeremy.
It was harsh, and it sounded mean, but it was the truth. And he was just going to have to deal with the truth, cause, at this point, only that would EVER set me free.




Haha that took a while, but it was actually on my computer before I did this post . . . Copy and Paste . . . BEST THING EVER INVENTED!!! lol

L8r!

PEACE OUT Y'ALL!
-- Megan
<333