SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!

I'd like to start this post by thanking speed racer rocks(ali), who left a comment for my blog ..... THANK YOU!!!! *gives hug ... well, as best as I can through the Internet, anyways .... *

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Today was .... well ..... I think you'd be able to tell by looking at the title for this ... yepp ....

I guess I should start out with the basics ... introducing you to my best friend in the world, Sam, a bit better. First off, he's CRAZY. He has a sense of humor that makes you smile no matter what, and he's got this smile that's not only infectious ... it blows you away. (Well, at least that's what it does to me .............) I met him 4 years ago, and we've been pretty much inseperable ever since. I love being his friend, and he feels the same way. But there's more to it, as there always is ...

We both have insanely huge crushes on each other. The only problem is that while I actually say something about it, Sam preffers to keep his feelings to himself. But that's okay, cause I am 100% satisfied with just being his friend.

Renee says we're like Romeo and Juliet. You know how it goes ... the parents can't stand each other (my mom and his dad), and we simply adore one another. I just hope that the ending is different for us .......... eeek ........

But here's the complication. There's this other guy, who is now another friend of mine. His name is Jeremy, and we met a year ago at Homeschooling Teen Game Night. I had given my email address to a girl there, and he was sitting there when I told her. So when I checked my email the next morning, lo and behold, there was an email from someone I didn't know (actually, from Jeremy), saying that he has had a crush on me ever since we met last year.

Now, I know what you're thinking. And even though I don't REALLY know, I'm going to guess anyways. "Aww, that's so sweet!" But see, I just want to be his friend. And not because of the whole Sam thing either ... there's complications with everything, I swear!! And besides, he's had a whole year to build up his feelings for me. And I've only known him for about 4 weeks. It's not wrong of me to say that I don't like him like that yet, is it?

Wednesday nights at 7, there is Bible study at my church. The next time that I saw Sam after the email was the Wednesday night before he and his family left for Arizona for two weeks. Arizona. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. So I told him about the email I had recieved from Jeremy. He was okay, but one thing that I've noticed about Sam is that when he gets nervous, he shuffles his feet a lot. So as I was telling him, he was doing that very thing. I had wondered what that meant, but I guess I didn't put that much thought into it.

So about half a week earlier than I had thought, Sam and his family returned home. And the following Sunday, he told me that he missed me. Btw, that's not a common thing for Sam. He really keeps to himself, especially about me. So why did he tell me then that he missed me?

The truth is that ever since I told him about Jeremy, he's been acting ... wierd. Like, he'll say stuff to me that he's never said before. I don't understand that completely, but some days I honestly believe that Sam has seen the light ...

Tonight, however, I caved. I can't take the pressure that I'm feeling from Jeremy. He and I will be emailing back and forth, and then all of a sudden, he'll ask me if I've been thinking about dating.

Or us.

Or us dating.

And I finally have had enough of it. I just want to be his friend, for goodness sake! And it's not because of my crush on Sam either. I'll explain it in three words:

I'm not alright.

My parents are getting a separation soon. My mom is going to see a lawyer about it at the end of next week.

I guess that it's been going on forever, but what I never knew until about a month ago was that my mom actually had to pack up and take me and Renee away from my dad because he got so out of control. I was one then, so I don't remember that. But I do remember everything from then on ... my dad accusing my mom of cheating on him ... my dad screaming curse words in her face ... my dad nearly smacking me when I refused to tell him where my mom was going for counceling.

Last Sunday was Mother's Day. (Duh ...) I hope that yours was great! So now I should probably tell you about mine ...

It was okay. Got to go to church in the morning, go to lunch with my mom and sisters (my dad doesn't go to church anymore) afterwards, got to play Apples To Apples with Renee, Hannah, my mom, and Renee's friend Olivia that night at a teeny-tiny party at church, got to go home and hear my mom be screamed at from 9:30 to 11:00 pm ...

Well, that night, I sinned. (God forgive me for being so sneaky!!!) I recorded almost their entire fight on my cell phone. I even snuck downstairs into their sitting room (the bedroom is just beyond that room ... they were in there, and the door was closed) and stashed my cell in a pile of clothes and hit "record". Why did I do that?

Cause my dad fights dirty. His whole purpose in life is to break my mom, for whatever reason. I am praying for him, because he has become so cruel and so black-hearted. So, in order to fight back, I've been gathering evidence of his terror inside our house. Anything I find, I try to use it. I believe with my whole heart that he is the one cheating on my mom. He's trying to cover what he is doing by blaming my mom for everything that he is.

What does all of this have to do with my terribly confusing love life? The fact that last night, I had a talk with my mom on the way back from church (we live 30 minutes from it) about how I'm feeling the pressure from Jeremy. She understood, and finally got me to spill the utmost core of my boy troubles. I'm afraid that I'll make the same mistake that she did, thus, I am afraid to really let myself fall for anyone. I don't want to ... heck, I'm only 14. But the truth is that I'm so afraid of ending up with what my mom is dealing with today, that I have forgotten what it's like to just relax, and have fun, as teens should. She told me that I have to make it very clear to Jeremy of what I'm going through, and that I have to tell him to either lay off a bit, or he's going to lose me. And that's true ... I feel more and more compelled to just end our short-lived friendship every time I talk to him.

I have wondered where my dad is going to end up. And not just after the divorce ... has he lost his faith and salvation? Will he reclaim it before it's too late? I still love him ... even if he doesn't love me anymore. I just don't understand one thing ... what is it about me and my mom and sisters that is so unloveable that my dad felt he had to go and find someone else?

I do not understand much. But what I do know is that I am in the middle of many attacks from the Enemy now ... and I am not alone. I'm never alone. I know that there are many people in the world who are going through the same emotions that I am at the moment ... this very second. And right now, if you are one of those people, I want you to feel loved for one moment, because I am praying for you, and you should know that God loves you every day of your life. No matter how hard it is, it's not too hard for God. Nothing is impossible with Him. He'll get us all through this, and in the end, we will be victorious.

At least there's something to smile about right there.

Tonight is the first VBS (Vacation Bible School) meeting at my church. It's at 7:30 ... probably runs to about 9. I'm a teen guide, meaning that I will be paired with a partner and we will be in charge of an age group of kids for VBS week. One of my friends Alysia told me that I am either paired with Sam or his older sister Sara. Which is great, cause I get along just fine with the both of them. I will try to update the blog tonight when I get home, but if not, then I will be sure to post tomorrow. Hmm ... I wonder how dear Sammy will be tonight .... that reminds me .... I need to pray for him. Lately he's been down about something, and whenever I ask him, he says he's tired. I don't believe that at all. But I guess that he's only going to tell me if he really wants to, which is fine by me. I just hope that it's not because of me .......

PEACE OUT Y'ALL!
-- Megan